Man Urges Couples Not to Stay in Unhappy Marriages for Children, Cites Own Trauma

A man whose parents have remained married for decades despite a deeply troubled relationship has urged couples not to stay together solely because of their children. Onyango Otieno, who has previously expressed a wish that his mother would leave his abusive father, said in a recent post that dysfunctional couples who keep a marriage going for their children's sake cause serious damage to those children. He described how, at 38, he continues to experience trauma and fear because of what he saw his father do to his mother during his upbringing. Otieno wrote that adult children like him have nightmares two or three times a year in which he fights with his father. The dreams feel so vivid, he said, that when he wakes suddenly it seems as though the struggle is happening at that moment. His body shakes uncontrollably, and he needs about two hours to calm down before he can sleep again. He called this actual post-traumatic stress disorder. He also said that whenever he hears a bang on a neighbor's wall, his body reacts instinctively. He is taken back to the single room in Huruma Estate where, as a 10-year-old, he watched his parents scuffle from one corner to another and could do nothing. He spoke of adult children like him who have struggled with self-esteem, self-worth and insecurities, leaving them vulnerable to being manipulated and to manipulating others for self-protection. He said he uses a great deal of mental energy just to carry out ordinary tasks. The depressive episodes that occasionally disrupt his life, he added, were not worth preserving a marriage for. He advised people to leave, whether husband or wife. The lasting effects of such dysfunction on children, he said, can never be repaid, and no hospital can provide enough care to heal the horrific memories they carry. He told readers to disregard cultural teachings about holding a marriage together and religious views on divorce, and not to listen to a pastor who tells them to stay longer and pray for their spouse. Otieno said children should not be sacrificed in the name of keeping a family together. A family is only a family when its members live in harmony; anything else turns it into a dungeon, he wrote. When children say they do not want to be around their father or mother, he said, parents should listen rather than force them to love someone they dislike simply because that person is a parent. Children, he added, are not foolish. He acknowledged fears of social contempt, ridicule, shame, mockery and isolation, but said nothing is greater than betraying oneself for a love that has run its course. He said leaving may bring financial, emotional and mental hardship, but once the dust settles, the person waiting on the other side can be an unexpected miracle. He added that this depends on following one's light and confronting the parts of oneself that also need work. Healing is not automatic, he said; leaving is only the first step, and more must be done or unhealthy patterns may be repeated with other people. Staying in that dark tunnel while hoping for a miracle will destroy a person, he warned. No one is truly coming to save them, and their children deserve better. He cited his own parents, who after more than 30 years of dysfunction still believe they can make their marriage work.